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The Unitarian Universalist Church of Boulder, Colorado, holds 4x4 meetings, but don’t get the wrong idea. We’re not talking convoys of four-wheelers off-roading in the Rockies.
No, at these 4x4 meetings, four established members invite four newer ones to dinner, to share their stories over a meal: four by four.
Rev. David Schwartz, lead minister, says the meals foster a deeper connection than interactions at a coffee hour.
“It is astonishing how many folks are walking through the door looking for exactly what we have and getting fed by that experience,” Schwartz says. “Without weaving them into this web of relationship and community, without offering them a real experience of belonging, they’ll move on.”
“Without weaving them into this web of relationship and community, without offering them a real experience of belonging, they’ll move on.
The idea arose from Schwartz’s belief that people make relationships by sharing a meal. “And 4x4 just seemed like a catchy name at the time.”
It helps that the congregation, located in a college town with the University of Colorado Boulder, has a steady supply of new members, and that some established members have a knack for entertaining.
“We just got great, great feedback,” Schwartz says, “so we’ll scale it up a bit this year.”
One of the first 4x4’s was hosted by Fred Cole and Barbara Richards, whose home is decorated with Navajo kachina dolls and rugs, a conversation starter. On the menu was Fred’s peasant stew, his crockpot specialty with chicken and pork, beans and chiles. (“It’s savory, not spicy,” Fred says.)
One of the new couples at that November 2024 meal, Jay and Dee Shaplow, have now stepped up to host dinners this church year, a passing of the torch that seems natural. But Fred and Barbara say they’d be happy to attend another.
“At somebody else’s house,” Fred adds with a laugh.
Four Ideas to Start Your Own 4x4
Schwartz has advice for other UU congregations looking to try a 4x4 dinner.
Start small. “Take the time to put one of these together. If it’s a great success, now you have eight people to evangelize it, a concrete story to tell about what it’s like. Just do one, see how it goes, and build from there.”
Choose new members who are engaged. “Invite them by saying, ‘Hey, there are some members of the community hosting this small dinner next month, and they’d love to get to know you better.’”
“Relationships are the substance of the church. The thing that’s real and that’s enduring is the web of relationships among folks.”
What 4x4 dinners are not. “They are not intended as an ongoing program. They’re really all about relationship building. The goal is not that everyone there likes each other and becomes deep friends with each other, but that there’s this opportunity, that if there is a good match now, here’s someone who you know better or more deeply or can start to go deeper in friendship or connection with.”
Why they work. “Relationships are the substance of the church. The thing that’s real and that’s enduring is the web of relationships among folks. (If) your building gets swallowed by the earth tomorrow, the church hasn’t been damaged because that people thing is still there.”